A script for Spring

A little while ago, I attended a script-writing workshop up here in St. Andrews, the theme of which was ‘Spring’.  For no other reason than I want to, I’ve decided to post the script I wrote up here for perusal.  It was meant to be about 10 minutes long, we gave it to a group of actors who performed it and gave us feedback (very helpful, dramatic readings are always the best).  Whilst I imagined one of my characters to be a teenage girl, both were played as male and it came off brilliantly.


I’m obsessed with citrus fruit

I was in a Film Studies lecture recently, being told about avant-garde cinema, when we were shown a 7 minute long video of a lemon.  It’s safe to say that I’m never going to get these 7 minutes back (all that happened was the light changed slowly around the lemon, not the kind of film we’re used to but I suppose that was the point).  I did send many snapchats of this film, and received many more, and so by dinner time everyone had heard about the 7 minute lemon video.  Why, you wonder?

It’s the lemons.

I understand that’s not very explanatory.  Most recently I’ve been working on a play called Lemons Lemons Lemons Lemons Lemons, by a guy called Sam Steiner.  It went up last week and somehow we haven’t been able to escape the clutches of citrus servitude.  Myself and the rest of the crew have been roundly accused of not shutting up about lemons, of both the real and metaphorical variety.  It’s entirely true of course, I now point them out every time we’re in Tesco.  I laughed the other day because my friend got a lemon sorbet.  It’s possibly the oddest in-joke I’ve ever been a party to.

Especially because the play itself has no actual lemons.

It’s about a couple called Oliver and Bernadette, who live in a world which has just passed a ‘Quietude Bill’ that restricts everyone to only being able to say 140 words per day.  I love it as a play, and have a simultaneous hatred and affinity for both of the characters.  It’s quite tricky to pull off, as the scenes jump backwards and forwards from the time before the bill is passed and after.  The title is in reference to a scene where Bernadette wants to get all of her words out in one go, so says a random list that includes five mentions of a certain acidic fruit.

My role in the production was publicity, so my hard drive is now full of pictures of lemons, yellow objects, videos of people juggling lemons, people using lemons as phones, people using lemons as hats, people eating lemons in pubs and videos about lemon-stealing whores (that one’s the intro to a porno – involving lemons?  Was hilarious to a group of people who do nothing but talk about lemons).  I have a dress covered in lemons that I wore to the opening performance.  Soon, I will tear off my outer skin to reveal the lemon underneath.

However many lemons I now have that I now don’t know what to do with; and however many awful lemon puns we came up with; I genuinely enjoyed the experience so I’ve now joined a team that’s taking a production to the Edinburgh Fringe this year.  We had a publicity meeting the other day.  Guess what the ‘symbol’ of the play is going to be?

A banana.

There is no escape from yellow fruit.

I went to Madrid and long story short I’m now banned from hide and seek

Hello there!

You haven’t heard from me yet, but I’m the other side of this blog.  I would love to say my irregularities are chiefly due to a busy lifestyle, but there’s also inherent laziness, poor time management and an obsession with lemons to account for.  

Anyway, I just decided to check in now that I’ve returned to the country.  My friends from uni decided to step into the new territory of taking holidays together and the result was quite a bit of fun, but also the helping of drama and events that are increasingly inexplicable.  To round things up, I’ve decided to make a handy list of what to look out for in Madrid:

1. Visit the crystal palace in the park!  Even better if you end up there during a poorly thought out game of hide and seek with your friends, and decide to stay, listen to music and get ice creams before finally being found.

2. Take a tour of the Prado!  Go with at least two art history students who can supply you with memes.  Enjoy the nicknames they have for each painting.  “Sexy Jesus” sticks out.  Stop at the gift shop on your way out, because you can purchase a playmobil Sexy Jesus there if you are so inclined.
3. Go to the Real Madrid stadium.  Go with your friends who also know nothing about football.  Have one football fanatic in the group who desperately tries to explain whilst the rest of you point out the shiniest trophies and play with the gadgets in the display rooms.

4.  Drink sangria after dinner.  Look after your drunk friends whilst they make friends with a waiter called Javier.  Never walk down that street sober again.

5.  Take a day trip to Toledo.  Wander around the many shops selling swords.  Ponder as to why there are so many swords.  Buy a sword, slay your enemies.  Stop to enjoy the cathedral.